Three Men in a Boat
(to say nothing of the Dog)

Jerome K Jerome

First published 1889

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Chapter Contents
Chapter 1
Three invalids. - Sufferings of George and Harris. - A victim to one hundred and seven fatal maladies. - Useful prescriptions. - Cure for liver complaint in children. - We agree that we are overworked, and need rest. - A week on the rolling deep? - George suggests the river. - Montmorency lodges an objection. - Original motion carried by majority of three to one.

Chapter 2
Plans discussed. - Pleasures of "camping-out," on fine nights. - Ditto, wet nights. - Compromise decided on. - Montmorency, first impressions of. - Fears lest he is too good for this world, fears subsequently dismissed as groundless. - Meeting adjourns.

Chapter 3
Arrangements settled. — Harris's method of doing work. — How the elderly, family-man puts up a picture. — George makes a sensible, remark. — Delights of early morning bathing. — Provisions for getting upset.

Chapter 4
The food question. — Objections to paraffine oil as an atmosphere. — Advantages of cheese as a travelling companion. — A married woman deserts her home. — Further provision for getting upset. — I pack. — Cussedness of tooth-brushes. — George and Harris pack. — Awful behaviour of Montmorency. — We retire to rest.

Chapter 5
Mrs. P. arouses us. — George, the sluggard. — The "Weather Forecast" swindle. — Our luggage. — Depravity of the small boy. — The people gather round us. — We drive off in great style, and arrive at Waterloo. — Innocence of South Western officials concerning such worldly things as trains. — We are afloat, afloat in an open boat.

Chapter 6
Kingston. — Instructive remarks on early English history. — Instructive observations on carved oak and life in general. — Sad case of Stivvings, junior. — Musings on antiquity. — I forget that I am steering. — Interesting result. — Hampton Court Maze. — Harris as a guide.

Chapter 7
The river in its Sunday garb. — Dress on the river. — A chance for the men. — Absence of taste in Harris. — George's blazer. — A day with the fashion-plate young lady. — Mrs. Thomas's tomb. — The man who loves not graves and coffins and skulls. — Harris mad. — His views on George and banks and lemonade. — He performs tricks.

Chapter 8
Blackmailing. — The proper course to pursue. — Selfish boorishness of river-side landowner. — "Notice" boards. — Unchristianlike feelings of Harris. — How Harris sings a comic song. — A high-class party. — Shameful conduct of two abandoned young men. — Some useless information. — George buys a banjo.

Chapter 9
George is introduced to work. — Heathenish instincts of tow-lines. — Ungrateful conduct of a double-sculling skiff. — Towers and towed. — A use discovered for lovers. — Strange disappearance of an elderly lady. — Much haste, less speed. — Being towed by girls: exciting sensation. — The missing lock or the haunted river. — Music. — Saved!

Chapter 10
Our first night. — Under canvas. — An appeal for help. — Contrariness of tea-kettles, how to overcome. — Supper. — How to feel virtuous. — Wanted! A comfortably-appointed, well-drained desert island, neighbourhood of South Pacific ocean preferred. — Funny thing that happened to George's father. — A restless night.

Chapter 11
How George, once upon a time, got up early in the morning. — George, Harris, and Montmorency do not like the look of the cold water. — Heroism and determination on the part of J. — George and his shirt: story with a moral. — Harris as cook. — Historical retrospect, specially inserted for the use of schools.

Chapter 12
Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. — Disadvantages of living in same house with pair of lovers. — A trying time for the English nation. — A night search for the picturesque. — Homeless and houseless. — Harris prepares to die. - An angel comes along. — Effect of sudden joy on Harris. — A little supper. — Lunch. — High price for mustard. — A fearful battle. — Maidenhead. — Sailing. — Three fishers. — We are cursed.

Chapter 13
Marlow. — Bisham Abbey. — The Medmenham Monks. — Montmorency thinks he will murder an old tom cat. — But eventually decides that he will let it live. — Shameful conduct of a fox terrier at the Civil Service stores. — Our departure from Marlow. — An imposing procession. — The steam launch, useful receipts for annoying and hindering it. — We decline to drink the river. — A peaceful dog. — Strange disappearance of Harris and a pie.

Chapter 14
Wargrave. — Waxworks. — Sonning. — Our stew. — Montmorency is sarcastic. - Fight between Montmorency and the tea-kettle. — George's banjo studies. - Meet with discouragement. — Difficulties in the way of the musical amateur. — Learning to play the bagpipes. — Harris feels sad after supper. — George and I go for a walk. — Return hungry and wet. — There is a strangeness about Harris. — Harris and the swans, a remarkable story. — Harris has a troubled night.

Chapter 15
Household duties. — Love of work. — The old river hand, what he does and what he tells you he has done. — Scepticism of the new generation. — Early boating recollections. — Rafting. — George does the thing in style. - The old boatman, his method. — So calm, so full of peace. — The beginner. — Punting. — A sad accident. — Pleasures of friendship. — Sailing, my first experience. — Possible reason why we were not drowned.

Chapter 16
Reading. — We are towed by steam launch. — Irritating behaviour of small boats. — How they get in the way of steam launches. — George and Harris again shirk their work. — Rather a hackneyed story. — Streatley and Goring.

Chapter 17
Washing day. — Fish and fishers. — On the art of angling. — A conscientious fly-fisher. — A fishy story.

Chapter 18
Locks. — George and I are photographed. — Wallingford. — Dorchester. — Abingdon. — A family man. — A good spot for drowning. — A difficult bit of water. — Demoralizing effect of river air.

Chapter 19
Oxford. — Montmorency's idea of heaven. — The hired up-river boat, its beauties and advantages. — The "Pride of the Thames." — The weather changes. — The river under different aspects. — Not a cheerful evening. — Yearnings for the unattainable. — The cheery chat goes round. — George performs upon the banjo. — A mournful melody. — Another wet day. — Flight. — A little supper and a toast.

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